


Funky Lesbian changed group name “Voltrons bitches” to “Voltron is just furry propaganda”

by Bnaggs



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Bisexual Disaster Lance (Voltron), Cuban Lance (Voltron), Everyone Is Gay, Fix-It of Sorts, Gay Disaster Keith (Voltron), Gay Disaster Shiro (Voltron), Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Lance (Voltron)-centric, Lesbian Pidge, M/M, Morosexual, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-27 02:03:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20038099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bnaggs/pseuds/Bnaggs
Summary: The paladins of Voltron are on their way home. PIdge installed a texting / messaging system into their lions and now they can communicate on the way home.Pidge did not think this through and now Lance keeps messaging about his crush on Keith.Inspired by this tumblr post : I’m proud to identify as morosexual. I’m attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses exclusively. A guy asked me what the Spanish word for tortilla was once and now I dream of kissing him under the moonlight





	1. Houston we have a gay

**Author's Note:**

> Here are the names & nicknames for everyone so there's no confusion!  
Lance - Loverboy  
Pidge - Funky Lesbian  
Hunk - Sunshine  
Allura - Princess  
Keith - Kogayne  
Shiro - Spacedaddy
> 
> Group chat names  
Voltron is just furry propaganda - Garrison Trio  
I say Vol you say Tron - Everyone

Funky Lesbian changed group name “ **Voltrons bitches** ” to “ **Voltron is just furry propaganda** ” 8:00 pm

** **

9:00 pm

**Loverboy** : hey bitches i have a problem

**Loverboy** : ok i have 2 problems one is mullet related and the other is why tf is our group name about furries

**Funkylesbian** : It’s important

**Funkylesbian** : The world needs to know the truth

**Sunshine** : Lance!!! whats the mullet tea

**Loverboy** : the mullet tea is hes a dumbass and i want him to crush me

**Funkylesbian** : ew

**Loverboy** : istg pidge 

**Sunshine** : ok but we already knew that

**Loverboy** : No you dont UnDeRStANd!!!

**Loverboy** : I like that hes a dumb ass

**Funkylesbian** : Dumbasses supporting dumbasses

**Loverboy** : HWO DARE U GREMLIN

**Funkylesbian** : ur oversharing ur kinks again and im not here for it

**Funkylesbian** : I just wanna enjoy my space goo in peace u godless heathen

**Sunshine** :um,,, how did you find out u like that he’s a dumbass ?

**Loveboy** : well my first clue was that when he thought his dog would tell him its name i thought it was adorable

**Funkylesbian** : ew

**Loverboy** : but you’ll never guess what he fcking said to me and my cow

**Sunshine** : What did he say???? I thought u two would have a great time milking Kaltenecker!!!

**Loverboy** : We did!!!! hes was like being so cute and was asking about my family and cuba and istg if i didnt have Kaltenecker there to support me I would have been a puddle on the ground it was adorable and i was a mess BUT THEN

**Funkylesbian** : ew x2

**Loverboy** : he’s asking about spanish and he knew like some of it because hes texas kogane or wahtever

**Loverboy** : AND THIS BOY ASKS ME

**Loverboy** : WHAT THE SPANISH WORD FOR TORTILLA IS

**Loverboy** : AND NOW I DREAM OF KISSING HIM UNDER THE MOONLIGHT

**Funkylesbian** : Is the cow there when ur kissing

**Loverboy** : PIDGE NOW IS NOT THE GOD DAMN TIME

**Loveboy** : BUT YES 

**Sunshine** : Keith,,, wanted to know what the spanish word for tortilla is

**Sunshine** : like, he, wait

**Funkylesbian** : I have never loved an idiot more 

**Funkylesbian** : I am so proud to be surrounded by so many gay idiots

**Funkylesbian** : if the gay idiots on this team were replaced with butches the universe would have been saved in a month tops

**Funkylesbian** : tops ha

**Loverboy** : IM LITERALLY HAVING A CRISIS AND YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT LESBiNS

**Funkylesbian** : WHAT ELSE AM I GOING TO THINK ABOUT U TWINK BITCH

**Sunshine** : ...tortilla…

**Loverboy** : Hunk uve gotta help me how do I stop him

**Loverboy** : I want him to bench press me and also throw me out a window

**Sunshine** : um so,,, ure asking me to help u ask him out right ? i dont think we can change how he thinks

**Funkylesbian** : yeah and if ur asking for help with that idk why ur texting this group chat

**Funkylesbian** : Im a lesbian i dont ask people out I thrist over girls and then i die

**Loverboy** : I really should have just asked hunk bc u r a useless lesbian

**Loverboy** : HUNK U BEAUTIFUL GLORIOUS RAY OF SUN HELP MY DUMB GAY ASS

**Sunshine** : tell him u like him

**Loverboy** :...

**Loverboy** : no

**Loverboy** : this was useless im going to bed

**Funkylesbian** : good night u useless homosexual

**Sunshine** : they r both a mess

**Funkylesbian** : i fucking love them

**** ****  
  


\---

I say Vol you say Tron

** **

**Princess** : Good morning paladins!!!!! I hope you all had a fantastic night’s rest. Make sure to grab breakfast this morning, we have a lot of training to do today!! <3

**Funkylesbian** : its early I want to die

**Spacedaddy** : Hunk’s sending out breakfast burritos for everyone, we need to keep up our strength for our next battle!

**Funkylesbian** : I want to die but of a heart attack after eating all of hunks food

**Sunshine** : Aww!! Thanks pidge!!! 

**Spacedaddy** : no ones allowed to die

**Mullet** : U literally died

**Mullet** : WILL YALL STOP CHAnGING MY NAME TO MULLET

** **

**“Mullet” ** has changed named to  **“Kogayne”**

** **

**Loverboy** : cut it u bitch

**Kogayne** : WHY R U SO OBSESSED WITH MY HAIR

**Loverboy** : I SAID CUT IT U BITCH

**Funkylesbian** : wait has keith ever not had a mullet

**Funkylesbian** : I feel like he would be too powerful

**Spacedaddy** : He’s had a mullet in all the baby pictures I have seen let him live his mullet life please 

**Spacedaddy** : Adam tried to cut it and keith pulled out one of his knives

**Funkylesbian** : I’m tired of all these bitches kinks

**Funkylesbian** : lances dumbass kink, keiths knife kink

**Funkylesbian** : if anyone else tells me another kink in the next 24 hours im yeeting myself out the window

**Kogayne** : whats a dumbass kink

**Loverboy** : why do i even talk to pidge about anything

**Funkylesbian** : bs ill find out anyway

**Sunshine** : so uh,,, what does everyone think about todays burrito? Need more spice?

**Princess** : The food was delicious as always, Hunk!

**Princess** : I do have to ask though, what is a “kink”?

**Loverboy** :...

**Loverboy** : LOOK WHAT UVE DONE PIDGE

**Loverboy** : NOW WE HAE TO TELL AN ALTEAN PRINCESS WHAT A KINK IS

**Funkylesbian** : kinks are things people like in a sexual way

**Funkylesbian** : for example, if someone likes to be bound up during sex thats a kink

**Princess** :Oh! So, what does a knife kink entail? Because Keith is quite good with a knife!!

**Sunshine** : oh my god

**Loverboy** : …

**Kogayne** : I dont have a knife kink.

**Loverboy** : this is too much

**Funkylesbian** : WELL usually it means someone likes to run their knives down someones body lightly and they feel that metal and dangerous sensation, 

**Kogayne** : I dont have a knife kink.

**Kogayne** : I dont have a knife kink.

**Kogayne** : I dont have a knife kink.

**Funkylesbian** : OR sometimes people like feeling threatened or threatening people with knives!! It usually a bit of a dominant and submissive type thing! :)

**Kogayne** : I dont have a knife kink.

**Kogayne** : PIDGE I HATE YOU

**Funkylesbian** : ;)

**Princess** : Well, that’s very… interesting… and the dumbass kink? What does that mean?

**Funkylesbian** : thats a lance thing i have no clue

**Loverboy** : how dare u

**Kogayne** : yeah what in tarnation is a dumbass kink

**Loverboy** : ...

**Loverboy** : I hate this family

**Loverboy** : dont we have training to do?!!!!?!!!? haha :)

**Funkylesbian** : tell them about ur dumbass kink, coward

**Loverboy** : i cant read

**Spacedaddy** : ok, lance is right its time for training. We need to keep our wits about us in case of any danger we might run into on our way back to Earth!

**Loverboy** : thank god

**Funkylesbian** : coward

**Sunshine:** uh,,,, so i hope everyone enjoyed the burritos! I think im gonna try and make a grilled cheese type thing with some of this weird cheese like thing i found on planet Xes

**Loverboy** : Hunk ur too good for us

**Sunshine** : Aww!!! You guys are just sex driven heathens

**Funkylesbian** : u right

** **

\---

I say Vol you say Tron

** **

**Loverboy** : i miss earth

**Sunshine** we’ll be there soon, buddy!!! 

**Loverboy** : not soon enough. I havent been to the ocean in so long, I havent seen my family for SO LONG. :(

**Spacedaddy** : I’m sure they’ll be so happy to see you, Lance. We’ve all done some amazing things and pushed ourselves so much, we are all in need of a bit of familial love. 

**Princess** : What is the ocean like?

**Loverboy** : oh man, you’d love it!!! There are so many wonderful beaches in cuba and my family and i all pack up in our van and sit in the sand and the water is so clear and the waves are AWESOME! 

**Loverboy** :My little sister likes to find shells along the beach and its so cute because she picks up every shell, beautiful or broken, and gives it to us like its lost treasure. 

**Loverboy** : I would walk with her and she would walk me so far along the beach until she got tired and I had to carry her back

**Kogayne** : that’s amazing.

**Princess** : Oh my! That sounds lovely! You’ll have to take us to the beach, and to meet your family!

**Sunshine** : his family is awesome. His abuelita is one of the funniest people ive ever met, and a wonderful cook

**Loverboy** : high praise from the master chef himself!!!!

**Sunshine** : I miss my family too. They were so proud of me for getting into the garrison, I cant wait to see them again

**Loverboy** : thats it. Our families are going to have a dinner party. My abuelita vs. yours, who has the best family recipes

**Sunshine** : oh, you are ON!

**Funkylesbian** :can i be the judge? My family cant cook

**Loverboy:** everyone is invited to the family cookout, the McClains always make too much food and we need someone to eat it all 

**Spacedaddy** : That’s such a fantastic idea for all of us to get together at! I could bring Adam? I might not tell him its an abuelita cook off or his will come too

**Loverboy** : YES!! I so want to see Adam again!! I miss him and his spanish !!

**Loverboy** : ok so, we have Hunk and his family, Pidge and hers, Allura and Coran,Shiro and Adam, Keith and Krolia… oh god, is there gonna be enough seating????? My family is huge

**Hunk** : my house is way too small to hold half the people coming, but I’m sure we can get some tables and chairs from somewhere!!! This is gonna be awesome!!!!!!

**Kogayne** : I’m invited too?

**Loverboy** :...

**Loverboy** : uh, yeah? Why do u not want to go?

**Loverboy** : like, thats fine i guess but like it was gonna be fun so like whatever i guesss

**Kogayne:** NONNONON!!! I want to go I jsut didnt realize I was invited

**Loverboy** : /?????????? why would u not be invited wtf Keith

**Loverboy** : but if ur dog doesnt come too im kicking u out until u bring him to me

**Loverboy** : I love him too much and he is the only one keeping this family together

**Kogayne** : thanks uh he loves you too?

**Loverboy** : you’re damn right he does. 

**Loverboy** : I love this family

**** ****  
  


\---

Voltron is just furry propaganda 

** **

**Loverboy** : Why did keith think he wouldnt be invited to the dinner party

**Loverboy** : this doesnt feel dumb ass related this feels actually like,,, sad 

**Loverboy** : does he think we arent friends????????????

**Funkylesbian** : Lance u saw what he was like at the garrison

**Funkylesbian** : hes not used to having friends u have to tell him stuff like this 

**Funkylesbian** : he wasnt friends like we were before this

**Sunshine** : He’s probably scared things will go back to the way it was and we all will forget about this adventure :((

**Sunshine** : he needs a hug

**Loverboy** : that emo boy is tugging at all my heart strings istg

** **

\---

Private message : Keith Kogane

** **

**Lance:** hey!! So about earlier!! Sorry if u felt excluded from the planning!! Please come to the dinner party its gonna be so fun

**Lance** : My family is going to love to meet you and my mom might actually try to adopt you while she tells you to eat more and force feeds you rice

**Keith** : No its all good i just felt kinda awkward not really having a uh family back on earth

**Keith** : i dont really know what Krolia is doing after all this and i guess i jsut got worried thinking about living in the desert again

**Lance** : yeah your conspiracy theory shack was a bit cramped and uh weird

**Lance** : when i saw the string of clues board hanging on the wall i was like oh god this boy has gone insane 

**Keith** :it wasnt a conspiracy theory there was literally a spaceship and aliens are real

**Lance** : ok but did u own a tinfoil hat at any point living there

**Keith** : lance i swear to god

**Lance** : Thats a yes

**Keith** : ALIENS ARE LITERALLY REAL LANCE

**Lance** : OH MY FUCK GOD THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

**Lance** : DO U BELIEVE IN BIG FOOT

**Keith** : MAYBE

**Lance** : OH MY GOD

**Lance** : I want to help u find him

**Lance** : have u ever heard of Mothman

**Keith** : uh yeah? Of course?

**Lance** : we have to find mothman

**Keith** : why

**Lance** : have u seen the statue of him

**Keith** : uh yeah?

**Lance** : that ass is fatter than mine. It should be illegal.

**Keith** : you do have a great ass

**Lance** : ...

**Keith** : uh

**Lance** : … thank you for noticing I swear to god no one appreciates what my ass is doing for this family

**Lance** : I am serving everyone Kardashian realness and no one seems to care

**Keith** : um

**Keith** : you’re welcome?

**Lance** : god bless you. 

** **

Voltron is furry propaganda 

**Loverboy** : I want to Keith to fuck me

** **FunkyLesbian**** : Well I want to get fucked by Captain Marvel so obviously we dont always what we want in life now do we   



	2. they call me the tailor because of how i thread the needle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance has too many kinks and Keith is dumb. that's the description of not only this chapter but the whole fic.
> 
> Also I put in the Taylor headcanon because I'm a sucker for it and its prime Keith is dumbass content

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic needs more allura but I didn't know how to write her bc she knows nothing about earth? and all I made them talk about is earth and keith being a dumbass ? agh. know I love her. I love that fucking bisexual so much.
> 
> But also if u cant tell Pidge is my favorite and kind of a self insert lol

**(next day)**

I say Vol you say Tron

** **

**Sunshine** : Time for lunch!!!!!

**Sunshine** : I uh tried to make the grilled cheese taste better this time

**Sunshine** : those mushrooms just werent right

**Princess** : Don’t worry about it, Hunk! We’re all trying to do our best out here :) 

**Funkylesbian** : I want to marry grilled cheese. 

**Funkylesbian** : not this one though, like a real one

**Funkylesbian** : no offense Hunk

**Sunshine** : I MISS REAL INGREDIENTS

**Sunshine** : AGH

**Kogayne** : Anyone else feel like all we talk about is food?

**Funkylesbian** : we have nothing else to talk about

**Loverboy** : ugh. This is so boring

**Loverboy** : is there anything we can do to like pass the time

**Princess** : Actually, funny you should bring that up!

**Princess** : Coran and I were talking and there is a peaceful planet thats part of the alliance nearby that I was thinking we could spend the night at :)!!!!

**Princess** : I hailed them and they said they said they would be happy to host us for the night!!!! 

**Sunshine** : WE GET TO SLEEP IN REAL BEDS?

**Loverboy** : OH MY GOD IM 

**Loverboy** : IM SO EXCITED ASDFGLHLD

**Kogayne** : whats the catch?

**Princess** : Catch? :)

**Kogayne** : if we have to like go to a dinner or make a speech I might die

**Funkylesbian** : Same

**Princess** : well, we do have to go to a dinner, and I am making a speech…

**Princess** : ! But, it will be worth it to sleep comfortably, right?

**Princess** : No more fake “grilled cheese”? :))))

**Princess** : I thought you would be THRILLED!!! :)))))))

**Funkylesbian** : Alluras literally gonna kill us if we dont go 

**Kogayne** : I can only wish for the sweet relief of death

**Spacedaddy** : Keith, we talked about this.

**Kogayne** : IM KIDDING

**Kogayne** : QUIT LURKING SHIRO

**Spacedaddy** : Im too old for this chat I never know whats going on

**Spacedaddy** : I thought being gay would make me hip enough to understand

**Spacedaddy** : Im tired of being named spacedaddy but i dont know how to change my name. 

**Loverboy** : pls dont change ur name its the only thing holding this groupchat together

**Loverboy** : Also thanks allura for scoring us some beds and food!! My back and I need it 

** **

**“Spacedaddy”** has changed name to  **“Shiro”**

** **

**Shiro** : Thanks Keith! 

**Loverboy** : I think im gonna cry

**Funkylesbian** : Lance get ur daddy kink out of my christian minecraft server

**Loverboy** : AJFJAF I DONT HAVE A DADDY KINK IT WAS JUST FUNNY :(

**Funkylesbian** : I DONT TRUST U AND UR KINKS

**Kogayne** : wait so on this topic

**Kogayne** : im still confused

**Kogayne** : whats a dumbass kink?

**Funkylesbian** : KEITH I LOVE YOU

**Funkylesbian** : Lance if u dont tell him im yeeting you out the window

**Loverboy** : afjllaifeofjei

**Loverboy** : look theres no such thing as a dumbass kink

**Loverboy** : Pidge is just rude

**Kogayne** : i mean, it sounds pretty real to me since you seem to be avoiding it. 

**Sunshine** : Keith dont do this to him hes not ready

**Loverboy** : …

**Kogayne** : Just tell me! I’m just

**Kogayne** : curious

**Loverboy** : its seriously nothing I jsut made a comment to Hunk and Pidge about this cute guy who said something dumb thats it 

**Loverboy** : and they decided I have a dumb ass kink

**Funkylesbian** : thats because you do 

**Kogayne** : A cute guy?

**Loverboy** : um,,,,, yeah

**Loverboy** : A cute guy.

**Kogayne:** um uh

**Kogayne** :... you’re gay? 

**Loverboy** : um

**Loverboy** : ...

**Loverboy** : what the fuck.

**Funkylesbian** :OH MY FCUKING GOD

**Funkylesbian** : KEITH 

**Funkylesbian** : YOU DISASTER GAY OH MY GOD

**Kogayne** : ????? whats going on

**Loverboy** : Keith.

**Loverboy** : Keith im bi. 

**Loverboy** : YOU DIDNT KNOW IM BI? 

**Kogayne** : NO NO ONE TOLD ME HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW 

**Loverboy** : OH MY GOD

**Allura** : This may be the wrong time to ask, but what is “bi”?

**Sunshine** : Oh!!! Bi means you like all genders!!!

**Sunshine** : So yeah Lance likes every gender !

**Funkylesbian** : im gay 

**Sunshine** : Pidge I-

**Sunshine** : Yeah? We know 

**Funkylesbian** : i jsut wanted to make sure everyone knows i like girls

**Allura** : Oh!! We did not have names like this in Altea :) I am also what you call “bi”? 

**Funkylesbian** : oh

**Funkylesbian** : … nice.

**Loverboy** : YES BI ICONS!!!!! OH MY GOD ALLURA THATS AWESOME!!!!

**Loverboy** : wait

**Loverboy** : so when I caught you and Romelle wrestling was that

**Loverboy** : was that

**Princess** : … um

**Funkylesbian** : WLW ARE WINNING 

**Sunshine** : IM PANSEXUAL

**Funkylesbian: ** I LOVE YOU HUNK

**Loverboy** : MARRY ME HUNK

**Shiro** : oh my god

**Shiro** : gays do travel in packs

**Shiro** : im so proud of all of you youre gonna make an old queen cry

**Kogayne** : Shiro youre 26

**Shiro** : im gonna cry 

** **

\---

Voltron is just furry propaganda 

**Loverboy** : ok nerds we have a lot to unpack before we land on the alliance planet or whatever

**Loverboy** : first of all Keith is still trying to figure out my “dumb ass kink” so thanks for that

**Loverboy** : second of all Allura is bi everyone on this team is queer

**Loverboy** : and lastly 

**Loverboy** : KEITH DIDNT KNOW I WAS G

**Loverboy** : GAY

**Loverboy** : IVE LITERALLY BEEN FLIRTING WITH HIM FOR YEARS ASFGLKJF

**Funkylesbian** : dumbasses supporting dumbasses

**Loverboy** : PIDGE THIS IS SERIOUS 

**Funkylesbian** : yeah ik u need to tell keith you’re attracted to his dumbass

**Loverboy** : haha lol

**Loverboy** : anyway 

**Loverboy** : Allura and Romelle are going to be such a good power couple oh my god

**Funkylesbian** : every lesbian couple is a powercouple

**Funkylesbian** : you know who else would be a power couple 

**Funkylesbian** : u and Keith <3

**Loverboy** : this is so exciting! I dont know why Keith is so hung up on the dumbass kink though

**Funkylesbian** : bc he wants to fulfill all ur kinks

**Funkylesbian** : little did he know hes doing a great job just adding to the list

**Loverboy** : …

**Loverboy** : I

**Loverboy** : god dammit pidge

**Loverboy** : would you stop.

**Funkylesbian** : stop what?

**Loverboy** : with the keith thing

**Funkylesbian** : but you guys are into each other?

**Loverboy ** : he didnt even know I was gay

**Loverboy** : he obviously isnt paying attention to me

**Funkylesbian** : i mean yeah hes really bad at reading people?

**Funkylesbian** : he just didnt know

**Loverboy** : He doesnt think about me the way i do him

**Loverboy** : Quit pushing it, Pidge.

**Loverboy** : It’s never gonna happen.

**Loverboy** : He doesn’t like me.

**Sunshine** : woah Lance buddy

**Sunshine** : thats not true.

**Sunshine** : I mean, keith just didnt know. He;s totally into you! How could he not be?

**Loverboy** : right. 

**Loverboy** : yeah

**Loverboy** : well im just gonna

**Loverboy** : take a short nap 

**Loverboy** : talk to you guys later

**Sunshine** : lance :(

**Funkylesbian** : fuck

**Funkylesbian** : i just 

**Funkylesbian** : fuck

**** ****  
  


Private Message: Keith Kogane

** **

**Lance** : Hey

**Keith** : …

**Keith** : hey

**Lance** : so like 

**Lance** : you seriously didn’t know?

**Keith** : idk was I supposed to?

**Lance** : i mean… yeah

**Lance** : I thought I made it very obvious I liked boys but 

**Lance** : I mean I guess not

**Keith** : yeah uh

**Keith** : sorry

**Lance** : sorry?

**Keith** : uh yeah sorry

**Keith** : for um not knowing

**Keith** : i mean I probably should have seen it with all the flirting

**Lance** : Yeah?

**Keith** : Yeah. 

**Keith** : I mean you were all over Shiro when we all first met haha

**Lance** :Shiro?

**Keith** : yes?

**Lance** : um yeah... all over Shiro

**Keith** : yeah

**Keith** : well anyway

**Keith** : so uh who’s the cute guy?

**Lance** Cute guy?

**Keith** : yeah? the one you were talking about with pidge and hunk?

**Lance** : oh.

**Lance** : no one.

**Keith** : um, ok?

**Lance** : yeah

**Lance** : It’s just not gonna work out with him.

**Keith** : that sucks

**Keith** : where did you meet him?

**Lance** : nowhere. what do you care?

**Keith** : i dont know! I’m just being friendly or whatever.

**Lance** : well cut it out.

**Keith** : cut it out?

**Lance** : I dont want to talk about it.

**Keith** : Why?

**Lance** : What do you mean why?

**Lance** : It’s none of your business, Keith.

**Keith** : … ok.

**Keith** : I didnt know this guy meant so much to you

**Lance** : yeah, I know.

**Lance** : fuck

**Lance** : I uh met him a while ago but it took me a long time to realise i have feelings for him.

**Lance** : maybe too long.

**Lance** : he just is so gorgeous and kind and I think him and I just work really well together.

**Lance** : he usually knows how to cheer me up when I need it.

**Lance** : usually. 

**Keith** : he sounds nice

**Lance** : yeah, but sometimes he’s an oblivious dickwad.

**Keith** : oof

**Lance** : it’s really scary. Liking someone the way i do.

**Keith** : I remember I really liked this kid at the garrison.

**Keith** : he was totally obnoxious but really cute

**Lance** : Aww!!! Little Keithy had a crush

**Keith** : yeah, I did. 

**Lance** : what was their name?

**Keith** : Taylor. 

**Keith** : he was an awesome pilot, or would have been if he was able to focus when he was flying.

**Lance** : ... and his name was Taylor? You’re sure?

**Keith** : i mean, kinda? I never actually talked to him. I was WAY too shy for that haha

**Lance** : I guess I just don’t remember anyone there named Taylor 

**Keith** : really? I thought you would. I figured you were kinda popular there. He didn’t get into the pilot class i guess because I didn’t really see him around anymore, but maybe he just went somewhere else?

**Lance** : yeah, maybe.

**Lance** : anyway, uh, no current crushes for you right now? Any boy you’re looking to raise 3 little mullet babies with? 

**Keith** : mullet babies?

**Keith** : I’m not really focusing on that right now… I mean, who knows if I’ll survive this war. I can’t do that to someone

**Lance** : oh, i mean that makes sense. 

**Keith** : yeah. And I really haven’t ever had much luck in relationships or whatever. I never even got the courage to talk to Taylor once. I’m better off alone. 

**Lance** : Keith...

**Keith** : Anyways, I really hope it works out between you and this mystery guy. I think he’s really missing out. 

**Lance** : … I hope it does too.

**Keith** : i’ll talk to you later, I’m gonna go train with Krolia for a bit.

**Lance** : ok. Talk to you later man

**Keith** : talk to you later Lance

** **

\---

** **

Private Message: Lance McClain 

4:30 pm

**Keith** : I’m sorry. I really like you. [deleted]

**Keith** : I know you like someone else, so I get it if you don’t want to be friends anymore because of this? I dont know [deleted]

**Keith** : I didn’t mean to ask about the stupid guy so much, I just knew you had talked about it with Pidge and Hunk and I just wanted to talk about things with you too. I wanted to be friends so bad and… I wanted to be the cute guy you liked. I’m obviously a bad friend. I just really thought we balanced each other out. You were someone I could rely on when Shiro was gone and I treasured your time as my right hand man. Or uh, I still do. I hope I can. The guy that rejected you is so fucking dumb and you can do so much better. And uh, sorry about not seeing that you’re bi sooner. I guess I just thought it was wishful thinking. [deleted]

**** ****  
  


\---

** **

I say Vol you say Tron

** **

**Loverboy** : GOOD MORNING EVERYONE!!! 

**Loverboy** : that planet was awesome. The food was delicious. lets go home.

**Sunshine** : agreed! Only a little bit of travelling left to go!

**Princess** : I’m so excited to finally see earth and meet all your families!

**Funkylesbian** : I cant wait to see my dog again

**Funkylesbian** : Bae bae is too good for this world

**Loverboy** : Pidge I always thought u would be a cat person

**Funkylesbian** : I would lay down all of our lives for bae bae

**Funkylesbian** : I like both. How dare u.

**Loverboy** : I also thought keith would be a cat person

**Funkylesbian** : Keith is just touch starved

**Kogayne** : I want all the dogs

**Kogayne** : every dog

**Funkylesbian** : why

**Kogayne** : I want them

**Loverboy** : Keith and his army of dogs are gonna take down the galra empire 

**Funkylesbian** : I love everything about that

**Loverboy** : no need for Voltron when Keith and his dogs are on the job

**Funkylesbian** : finally we can retire

**Sunshine** : Keith with an army of dogs is the cutest thing I have heard in a long time

**Loverboy** : It’s adorable and its the future

**Loverboy** : once this is all over we use all our money to just buy Keith every dog

**Kogayne** : nice

**Shiro** : Adam’s allergic to dogs

**Kogayne** : kill adam

**Shiro** : No.

**Kogayne** : please

**Shiro** : no army of dogs. 

**Kogayne** : this sucks

**Kogayne** : I’m going back to my shack to raise the dogs 

**Shiro** : no you’re not

**Kogayne** : fine

**Shiro** : why was your solution kill adam

**Kogayne** : a life without dogs is not a life worth living

**Kogayne** : If he’s allergic to my space dog ill fight him

**Shiro** : I doubt he will be i dont think he’s allergic to space dander?

**Loverboy** : Adam being allergic to dogs is the saddest thing ive heard today

**Shiro** : He’s more of a cat person anyway

**Shiro** : We have a balinese cat, Blanche

**Shiro** : She’s hypoallergenic (just in case) and loves watching the golden girls with Adam

**Loverboy** : Adam is everything I want to be when I’m grown up

**Loverboy** : I just want to sit on the couch with my cat and my muscled boyfriend watching old lady sitcoms

**Shiro** : yeah its pretty nice

**Shiro** : I miss him

**Shiro** : Hes gonna kick my ass when we get back

**Shiro** : its gonna be great

**Kogayne ** : ew

**Loverboy** : aww

**Shiro** : yeah, he’s great

**Shiro** : if anything happens to adam I will kill everyone and then myself

**Kogayne** : thats not a good thing ?

**Funkylesbian** : a disaster gay we can all look up to

**Funkylesbian** : I cant believe adam is the distinguished gay and shiro the disaster

**Sunshine** : Does that make Keith the functional gay?

**Funkylesbian** : that meme is a myth theres no such thing as a functional gay 

**Funkylesbian** : and Keith is also a disaster gay

**Kogayne** : u right

** **

**Shiro** : I still remember Keith’s old Garrison crush!

**Kogayne** Ugh.

**Sunshine** : cute!!!

**Funkylesbian** : TELL US ALL ABOUT IT!!!

**Kogayne** : Ugh.

**Shiro** : All I know is that he had dark brown eyes and was a great pilot

**Funkylesbian** : oooo a pilot hmm

**Kogayne** : Ugh.

**Funkylesbian** : Keith r u gonna say anything except ugh

**Kogayne** : no

**Funkylesbian** : valid gay move

**Sunshine** : Now i kinda want to know who it is

**Funkylesbian** : akjdienfenfo me too 

**Kogayne:** … Ugh.

**Kogayne:** It was a cute boy named Taylor.

**Funkylesbian** : Taylor?

**Funkylesbian** : There wasn’t a pilot named Taylor

**Kogayne:** yeah he left before everyone got placed 

**Kogayne:** I never saw him after I joined pilot class…

**Funkylesbian** : yeah but no one in our year was named taylor?

**Sunshine** : Yeah, I also don’t remember a Taylor

**Kogayne:** what do you mean?????

**Kogayne:** cute, freckles, nice hair, from Cuba? 

**Kogayne:** He said that weird line about threading the needle?

**Funkylesbian** : … jesus fucking christ. 

**Funkylesbian** : you mean the line Lance says?

**Kogayne:** uh yeah?

**Kogayne:** wait, but Lance said he didn’t know who Taylor was?

**Sunshine** : oh my god. 

**Kogayne:** Did he just forget who Taylor was?

**Funkylesbian** : aklfJwjfsfkejfksnefjengeg

**Funkylesbian** : someone call 911 im having a heart attack

**Shiro** : Keith…

**Kogayne:** WHAT? I don’t get it what’s happening

**Loverboy** : oh my god

**Kogayne:** Whats happening?????

**Funkylesbian** : Keith, I dont want to be the one that has to break this to you, but Lance has brown eyes freckles and is from Cuba

**Funkylesbian** : he also was a cargo pilot.

**Loverboy** : oh my god

**Kogayne** : oh. 

**Kogayne** : Oh. Ok.

**Loverboy** : oh my god

**Sunshine** : … that’s kinda cute actually?

**Kogayne** : It’s really not.

**Funkylesbian** : why did you think his name was Taylor?

**Kogayne:** I DONT KNOW. 

**Funkylesbian** : this is so wild

**Funkylesbian** : this some real dumbass kink shit

**Kogayne** : I’m glad you’re enjoying this.

**Kogayne** : I’m really glad you’re all enjoying this. 

**Sunshine** : Keith! It was so long ago! No ones like judging or laughing at you

**Sunshine** : It’s just kinda cute since Lance is… y’know

**Sunshine** : Lancey

**Loverboy** : Hey!

**Sunshine** : I love you Lance but you’re a disaster bi

**Loverboy** : I am a FUNCTIONAL bi.

**Funkylesbians** : Lance u are not 

**Loverboy** : >:( 

**Loverboy** : This confirms something though

**Sunshine** : what?

**Loverboy** : the dumbass kink is real

**Funkylesbian** : yeah we been done knew

**Loverboy** : NO,,, It’s time i make an announcement

**Funkylesbian** : jesus christ

**Loverboy** : *clears throat*

**Loverboy** : My name is Lance McClain and I’m proud to identify as morosexual. I’m attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses exclusively. A guy asked me what the Spanish word for tortilla was once and now I dream of kissing him under the moonlight

**Funkylesbian** : AKFJEFNIOEJFIEF

**Funkylesbian** : you dramatic twink im gonna throw u out the window

**Funkylesbian:** i love you

**Sunshine** : I’m so proud of my morosexual best friend

**Loverboy** : (✿◠‿◠)

**Kogayne** : … Didn’t I ask you what the spanish word for tortilla was?

**Loverboy** : yes u did u dumbass 

**Loverboy** : look what uve done to me

**Shiro** : wait, seriously?

**Loverboy** : Yes.

**Shiro** : holy shit

**Shiro** : Keith, you grew up in Texas.

**Shiro** : you took 4 years of Spanish.

**Kogayne** : I KNOW. 

**Kogayne** : wait,,, am I the asshole guy who doesnt like you back????

**Loverboy** : …. Maybe.

**Kogayne** : uh

**Kogayne** : hold on 

**Funkylesbian** : I love two (2) dumbasses.

**Funkylesbian** : fuck I love gays

** **** **  
  
  


\---

Private Message: Lance McClain

** **

**Keith** : Lance, I like you

**Keith** : like a lot.

**Keith** : I like you a lot a lot.

**Lance** … what

**Lance** : you literally just told me you didn’t like anyone

**Lance** : that you didn’t want to because of the war

**Keith** : well yeah

**Keith** : I wasn’t going to tell you I fucking like you 

**Lance** : Keith you are such a dumb ass.

**Lance** : I have been flirting with you for SO LONG

**Lance** : and I finally find out you like me after you thought my goddamn name was Taylor and had a crush on me

**Keith** : …

**Keith** : dumbass kink?

**Lance** : Get your fucking dog and teleport into my lion right now you fucking gay. 

**** ****  
  


\---

** **

Voltron is just furry propaganda 

** **

**Loverboy** : GAY

**Loverboy** : VERY GAY

**Loverboy** : IM GAY 

**Loverboy** : KEITH AND I ARE DATING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Sunshine** : IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Funkylesbian** : AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

**Funkylesbian** : IM SO PROUD OF MY DUMB GAYS 

**Loverboy** : KEITH CUTE GOOD KISS AGH

**Loverboy** : I. Lov. EFGAFFE

**Sunshine** : GOOD KISSS?/???????????????

**Funkylesbian** : oh you whore!!! Im so proud

**Funkylesbian** : my little kinky bitches 

**Loverboy** : im so fucki9ing happy 

**Loverboy** : I wanted to tell you both first im gonna go scream in the other chat now

**Sunshine** : !!!! im so happy for you !!!!!!!!

**** ****  
  


\---

I say Vol you say Tron

**Loverboy** : I would like to inform everyone that keith and I are now dating and very happy. 

**Shiro** : Congrats you two!! I’m so proud of you both!!!

**Funkylesbian** : IM SO FUCKY HAPPPY FOR YOU BOTH IM SCREAMING 

**Sunshine** : !!! So happy for both of you!!!!!!!!

**Kogayne** : … <3

**Princess** : I’m so happy for both of you! I am sorry I was unable to participate in the conversation leading up to it, I have been very confused by almost everything you all have been saying

**Princess** : and not to take away from your announcement but…

**Princess** : Romelle and I are also officially dating now, so I have been busy with… that.

**Loverboy** : THATS AWESOME!!! 

**Sunshine** : omg congrats!!!!!!!!!

**Funkylesbian** : ALLURA THATS SO AWESOME OMFG VOLTRON IS GAY AND THRIVING !!!!!! BEING A SINGLE GAY IS ILLEGAL

**Funkylesbian** : Keith and lance, allura and romelle, hunk and shay, shiro and adam

**Funkylesbian** : we dont show enough hunk pride. Hunk i love you

**Sunshine** : !!!! I love you too Pidge!!! 

**Funkylesbian** : im a single gay bc im too powerful 

**Loverboy** : thats valid

** **

\---

** **

**Kogayne** : hey so I have a question

**Funkylesbian** : youre not still confused by lances kinks right? He has a lot ill pull out my list

**Kogayne** : no. we have been dating like a week.

**Loverboy** : Please burn that list.

**Kogayne** :... what kind of animal is the pink panther?

**Loverboy** : You’re so fucking stupid.

**Loverboy** : teleport to my lion right fucking now.

**Funkylesbian** : ill message you the list

**Loverboy** : BURN THE FUCKING LIST

****  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When Keith and Lance started dating Krolia told Lance they almost named Keith Yorak and that was his name in the groupchat for a week. Taylor x Yorak is canon.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this mess!! the next chapter will include the second part of the tumblr post : 
> 
> this same idiot: what kind of animal is the pink panther  
me, already taking off my clothes: benjamin you’re so fucking stupid
> 
> This fic seems like a middle schooler wrote it disclaimer im 20 but i mean thats basically a middle schooler tbh


End file.
